Location: Winger's downtown
Time: 11:15 pm
Just sitting down, a group of four arrived at Winger's downtown. Winger's was not busy at this time, and this was one of the three tables there. The group began looking at the menu with wrinkled brows and questioning looks on their faces. There was one lady, blond hair dressed in khakis and a red shirt and three men dressed in slacks, dress shirts and ties. "We're on our lunch break so we're in a hurry," the woman said to the waitress. "Can we get four diet cokes please?" one man said in a low but friendly voice. The four were engaging in conversation about what just happened at work, and the waitress brought back diet cokes within one minute as she readily asked them what they wanted to eat with a big cheesey grin her face. The waitress was wearing a blue shirt with a name tag that said Addie. She had long dark hair and talked in a loud voice.
The lady ordered salad and soup in a snappy tone without a smile. Two men politely ordered cajun burgers and the other guy ordered a chicken ceasar salad. "That will be right out" the waitress said as she skipped away. The lady began another conversation about a new person being hired that is less than qualified which sparked focused and concerned looks from the three men. The food came out very quickly. "Thanks a lot" said one of the men. "Can you bring me another diet coke" the lady asked with her eyebrows raised. "Thanks" she said shortly.
The four of them didn't speak much for 10 minutes while they scarfed their food. One of the men stood up and waved for the waitress to come over. He asked, "Can we please get our check?" The waitress shook her head up and down and brought back the check instantly. The man paid for everyone's meal and told the waitress no change was needed. The waitress said "Thanks for coming in guys have a great day." The man was checking his watch and took a sip of his drink. "Let's go" he said to the group. "Thanks for lunch Jerry" said the lady. They all got up and put coats on and strutted out of the building.
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4 comments:
I think you choose a great topic but would include more detail about the physical characteristics of these people. I usually exaggerate these characteristics.
Very good observations. I could see everything happening and found myself making judgments about these people-- You seem to be writing on a different plane than the one these folks exist on. However, descriptions like "cheesy grin" can be misleading because they seem to put more of yourself into what are meant to be less biased observations-- with minimal projections. What you find cheesy I might not-- it definitely leaves me with impressions about who these people are. I did not like the business woman at all. If I were to go back, I have to wonder if I was led into not liking her-- I imagine though that with the exception of a few descriptions like "snapped" when describing a way of speaking, that you wrote as you saw.
Enjoyable-- work at taking yourself out of the observations more. Find a way to express "cheesy smile" for instance.
You could include links (?) or a picture of Wingers--
Write your observations in present tense.
Also, more physical description of the people would be helpful.
Try avoid judgements like "questioning looks on their faces." But good descriptions and observations. Another judgement that you could fix is "friendly voice."
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